How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
