I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize