There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
