If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
