my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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