I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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