I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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