That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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