I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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