god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
