this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
