I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
