just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
