you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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