Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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