I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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