dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
