my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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