Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
