1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
