Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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