her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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