Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
