Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
