It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
