My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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