we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
