here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
