apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
