Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
