I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
