I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
