DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
