Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
