So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize