Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
