wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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