I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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