haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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