Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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