Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
