Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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