life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
