I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
