If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My vagina is officially offended.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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