Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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