Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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