my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
now i know why i became what i already was.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
