she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
