my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
