apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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