I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
