Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize