yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
