my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
