At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
