Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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