dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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