Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
