Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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