I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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