I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
